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Cambridge University Science Magazine
A study has come to my attention which shows that alcohol can protect the male heart from disease. Can I use this as my defence in court?

Boozy Bill


The study was done in Spain. Clearly, therefore, this defence will only stand up if you are also in Spain, or at least have a small amount of Spain in a jar about your person when in court. It is best to claim that protection is maximised by an undefined amount of varying kinds of alcohol – I’d recommend beer, snakebite, tequila and sambuca as your opening gambit. What should also be understood, however, is that anecdotal evidence shows that this same magic cocktail also appears to make you invincible, invisible, and grant you the powers of flight, telepathy and vocal virtuosity. What is clear is that alcohol levels must be maintained, otherwise you risk side effects: depression, headaches, loss of motivation, and despondence at the refusal of your friends to join you on the dance floor...

Dr I.M. Derisive

I am on the college tennis team and hope one day to make the professional tennis circuit. I have one worry though – I’m not a very attractive guy, everyone says so. Do you think I could still make it?

Shovelface Simon


Recent work by a team in Bristol suggests that if you were attacked by the ugly dog as a child, you have less chance of being an athletic winner – this study established that physical repulsiveness is an ugly reflection of inferior genes. Should you seek some comfort, however, you can take solace in the follow-up web study carried out by another organisation, which found only slight correlations. Even if the connection is real, perhaps you shouldn’t give up just yet – with enough effort you may be able to buck the trend as much as your teeth! I’d advise you to prepare for abject failure though, just in case.

Dr I.M. Derisive

Is there a scientific explanation behind the success of Jedward? Because there surely isn’t a musical one!

Xena, the X-factor Warrior


You’re absolutely right – the key is in subliminal messaging that was present in the programme itself! If you look closely, the letter ‘X’ bears a marked resemblance to the tone deaf pair when they are positioned back to back. Notice also that they often wear red, the very colour of the ‘X’! What’s more, if you play the show’s theme tune backwards through a filter, you can clearly hear the voice of Simon Cowell commanding “Vote for the twins – make me some more money”. Those who possess the gene xfac1 hear this message and feel compelled to vote. Only those who lack the xfac1 gene are immune to these subliminal messages. There is currently no known survival benefit of this gene, although it appears to be surprisingly common.

Dr I.M. Derisive